Birds, Bees, and Guns
by jo7787
Summary: The kids at Little Lamplight have brought up a very interesting subject during dinner. Ava decides it's high time to teach them about the birds and the bees; She gets the girls and Charon is stuck with the boys. One-shot. Rated for language.


**Sorry I haven't written anything in forever. Work is a bitch and a half. I don't look forward to becoming a shift manager :-/ **

**Anyway, here is a one-shot since some of you enjoyed Ava & Charon's visit to Little Lamplight so much. This takes place between the first story and the planned sequel. Enjoy!  
**

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The children of Little Lamplight were gathered for a special dinner with Charon and Ava. It was Sticky's last evening in Little Lamplight before Ava and Charon would escort him to Big Town where all Little Lamplighters end up once they are grown. The food had improved greatly since Charon and Ava were made honorary parents. Charon would go hunting every few days and bring back various game such as yao guai and mole rats. Once, he had dragged the carcass of an enormous Death Claw past the gates and the children had stared in complete awe. Ava had brought any snacks they found in the Wasteland and also taught Éclair how to prepare the food correctly. The children had never been happier.

"What are you going to do when you get to Big Town, Sticky?" asked Joseph. He was the second oldest of all the Lamplighters and was curious to see what Sticky's answer would be. It would be his turn to leave Little Lamplight in a year. The thought of leaving made him feel uneasy.

"Zip, MacCready, take off your cover at the table," Charon barked, referring to their headgear. The children groaned but did as they were told. They didn't want to clean weapons as punishment. Charon was very strict when it came down to manners, Ava had noticed. He was never cruel with the children and if anything, they all adored and respected him as much as they did her.

"I'm gonna find Red when I get there," began Sticky with a strange sort of pride. "And we're gonna do it!"

Charon immediately began choking on his mirelurk cake and Ava had to slap his back to dislodge the food from his throat. Ava laughed loudly at Sticky's announcement and so did some of the older kids. Charon, however, looked horrified.

"Do it? Do what, Sticky?" asked Bumble who was sitting a few seats down.

"Nothing! This conversation ends NOW!" Charon shouted.

"Sticky, you don't have the fuckin' balls to do it with Red!" MacCready said loudly. The children started laughing, ignoring Charon's warning growl.

"Do what? I don't get it!" Bumble wailed.

"This should be interesting," said Lucy, Little Lamplight's doctor. Ava smiled at her and nodded. She could have halted the conversation right then; the kids rarely questioned Ava's authority but she wanted to watch Charon cringe a bit longer.

"Bumble, 'doing it' means that Sticky wants to get naked with Red," said Knick Knack, who could barely contain his laughter.

"Naked? Why would he want to do that?" asked Bumble, even more confused than she was before.

"MacCready, you're just jealous because I have a girlfriend to do it with!" shouted Sticky.

"Eww, like I wanna kiss on some nasty girl," said MacCready. Princess' cheeks reddened immediately. She and MacCready had shared their first kiss before dinner.

"Oh-yeah-MacCready-but-I-saw-you-and-Princess-kissing-outisde-of-Murder-Pass-before-dinner-today-I-sure-did," said Zip, his words tumbling over one another.

"I'll kill you for this, Zip!" Princess yelled out. MacCready glared at her and she blushed.

"MacCweady and Pwincess sittin' in a twee, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" shouted Biwwy. The rest of the kids joined in on the song, and MacCready stood up, ready to lunge across the picnic table to punch Biwwy.

"Shut your fucking mouth Biwwy or I'll knock your fucking teeth out!" Charon grabbed MacCready by the seat of his pants and pulled him back into his seat.

"Why would they want to kiss naked?" asked Bumble, pulling on Charon's shirt.

"Damn it! Do I need to put you all on weapons detail here? Cut the crap and eat your dinner!" Charon said. The children lapsed into silent fits of giggling and resumed with their meal. The ghoul looked over at Ava and pleaded with his eyes for some assistance. Instead, Ava leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"It's perfectly natural for the kids to be curious about that. Maybe we should talk to them about it," Ava suggested. "In fact, we will talk to them about it. After dinner. You'll get the boys, and I'll get the girls."

"What? There is no way in hell that I am talking to them about…_sex._ If you want to do it, go right ahead, but you are leaving me out of it. Besides, I would have most of the children and that isn't fair by any means," whispered Charon.

"If you don't do this, I know someone who won't be having sex for a few good months," she hissed.

"All right! All right! But what am I supposed to say?" he asked.

"Tell the truth. Let them ask questions. I don't think it will be too difficult."

"Oh yeah? What if the kids ask if we have sex? Bet you didn't think of that Smoothskin!"

"Be honest. You don't have to be graphic, but just point out we do it because we care for each other. Put emphasis on that idea; I don't want us to visit Big Town to find out that Sticky has knocked up every single girl there because he can't control himself."

Charon looked defeated but Ava had made a point. These kids meant everything to them both, and the least he could do was help raise them to become decent human beings. Ava stood up from her chair and cleared her throat, catching the children's attention.

"All right, in light of the…lovely conversation Sticky brought up, we're having a short, mandatory class after dinner. Boys, you'll stay here with your father and the girls will come with me to the great chamber. I promise, no one's in trouble, but you will be if you start acting up during the class. Am I clear?" she said loudly.

The children all nodded excitedly and continued their dinner. Charon stared at his plate of food, his appetite suddenly gone. He stared at the cave wall in an attempt to plan out what he should say to the children.

_Damn Smoothskin…of course she thinks this is a great idea. She gets all the well-behaved kids and I'm stuck with the loudmouths who are guaranteed to ask every single embarrassing question possible," _thought Charon.

"Hey pops, you finished with that?" asked MacCready, pointing to Charon's meal. The ghoul pushed the plate towards MacCready and watched as the child engulfed what was left.

Ava stood up and called for the girls to follow her. Charon saw her wink at him before she closed the door to the Great Chamber. When he turned his head, he was surprised to see all the boys circled around him. They were silent, waiting for the ghoul to speak.

"Uh…all right…your mother wanted me to explain to you the basics of…"

"Doing it?" shouted Sticky. "That's good, because I want to impress Red when I see her."

"First things first: Sticky, your very first lesson is one of discretion. Whatever goes on between yourself and Red should stay between you and Red," said Charon.

"How are the other girls supposed to know if I'm good then?" Sticky asked.

"You should stick to one…partner. Someone you care for," Charon said.

"I bet you do it with mom all the time!" MacCready said with a laugh.

"Aw man, dad does it with mom? That's so gross!" shouted Knick Knack. Most of the children made retching noises before falling into pits of laughter. Charon buried his face in the palm of his hand and sighed. This was really happening to him and he couldn't fucking believe it.

"We are not here to talk about your mother and myself. Now, do you all know the basic…mechanics?" Charon asked.

"Boys have penises and girls have vaginas?" said Éclair. The children sniggered at the mention of those words.

"Yes, Éclair, you are correct. So…uh, doing…"it" is like…like…using a gun!" Charon said loudly. "Yes, almost exactly the same!"

"Are you serious?" asked Joseph with a roll of his eyes.

"The man loads his gun by _placing the bullet into the chamber…_and when he is ready, he _pulls the trigger and fires the gun…_does everyone understand?"

The children stared at Charon blankly.

"You guys have no idea what I am talking about, do you?" Charon asked.

"I'm pretty sure you have no fucking idea what you're talking about," said MacCready. Everyone laughed loudly.

"No, I mean, I know how it works but I just don't know exactly how to explain it to you kids." Charon lit a cigarette and tapped his fingertips against his knee.

"I'll be right back. Sit tight," he said to the children. Charon stood up and marched into the Great Chamber, puffing away at the burning tobacco like a nervous parent. He saw Ava and the other girls sitting in a circle. Ava was holding up a piece of paper with something drawn on it.

"You're using pictures?" Charon shouted. Ava whipped her head around, clearly startled. The ghoul snatched the paper from her hands and stared at it in shock. Ava had drawn anatomically correct pictures of a man and woman with arrows pointing to where certain body parts belonged.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be teaching the boys!" she said loudly.

"I can't do this Ava. I can't! If I must suffer for months, so be it!"

"Get back in there and finish the lesson!" she shouted.

Charon stared at her angrily and said, "Fine, but I'm taking this…this pornography with me!"

Ava laughed hysterically. Charon could be so overly dramatic at times. "Don't be so uptight. That is not porn."

The ghoul growled and walked back into the restaurant and saw Joseph standing up, explaining to the boys what Charon could not.

"Gotcha covered. I told them everything," said Joseph. Charon pat Joseph's head before taking his seat once again.

"Well, uh, thank you. Here, you boys can look at these diagrams of you wish," said Charon as he handed the drawings to MacCready.

MacCready leafed through the papers and shouted, "OH GOD! THAT GOES IN THERE? THAT'S FUCKING SICK! WHAT THE HELL MAN!"

"Give me, I wanna see!" said Biwwy. MacCready shoved the pictures into his hands and Biwwy immediately made a face of disgust. It was almost enough to make Charon chuckle, but he held back.

"I am not sure if Joseph explained already, but that is how children are made, so unless you want a few mini-you's running about, I suggest you keep it in your pants. Am I clear?" Charon said. The boys nodded and Charon sent them off to bed. He picked the papers off the table and tossed them into the fire, happy that his ordeal was over. He sat for some time and soon felt a pair of hands rub his shoulder blades.

"Do not even try that, Smoothskin. I am not in the mood," Charon growled. He felt Ava's lips on his neck and heard her laugh softly.

"Thanks for being such a good sport," she whispered.

"Whatever. You owe me big time."

"And what exactly did you have in mind?" she asked.

"A plethora of horrifying things, all for my enjoyment and your suffering," he said. Ava giggled and pulled him from his seat.

"I deserve it. Come on you big grouch. Let's go to bed." They walked slowly through the caverns towards their room in the Lamplight Office building.

"So, guns? Really Charon?" asked Ava.

"Who told you?"

"Zip did. What a terrible fucking metaphor…" she laughed and added, "See what I did there?"

Charon glared at her but she still kept a smile on her lovely face. "You think you're so clever don't you?"

"I wasn't the one trying to explain the birds and the bees to a group of kids using guns as a metaphor. You really are something else. Do you plan on firing a few bullets tonight?" she asked with a wriggle of her brow.

"I plan on letting you suffer for quite a while after that fiasco," he said.

"Oh, but I promise I'll polish your rifle for you!"

"I really hate you, Ava," said Charon with a grin.

"Love you too, you damn grump."


End file.
